Love Changes: How to Work Through the Stages of Your Romance
What do you do when your soulmate becomes a stranger?
You know that feeling.
The passion fades. The excitement wanes. The affection and courtship behavior settle out and soon you're both pursuing interests in other rooms. Things go quiet and indifferent for one of you. Things become intolerable and lonely for the other. So you argue about it. Or you don't.
Either way, it's not good.
Unfortunately, this isn't an uncommon relationship phenomenon. Shifts in your relationship can be the reality check you thought your connection was too special to experience. It can be quite sobering.
So. What do you do now?
Excellent question. All is not lost.
There are a few things you need to know about love...
First, we naturally seek the kind of affection and care we received when we were growing up. For better or worse, how we experienced closeness and safety is a primer for how we envision romance.
Second, romantic love is a mirror. Our ideas of ourselves often lean heavily on our partner’s perceptions of us. Thus, our partner’s enjoyment, attraction, and interest are extremely meaningful.
Also, past attachments and your partner's initial perceptions aren't enough to sustain lasting love. Mature, loving relationships need growth and willing development. Holding onto childhood ideals and surface infatuation just fosters disappointment.
Finally, love thrives when relationship stages are allowed to develop and challenge your connection.
Of course, it helps to understand what these stages are. Just know that solid relationships evolve. That way, you won't give up too soon, or spend time trying to get back to the good old days of your relationship. It just might be that your best days together are ahead.
Love Stages & How to Work Through Them
Love Stage No. 1: "Perfection"
This phase is filled will all things "falling in love". It's a lovely period of pleasure and excitement. Very few red flags or conflicts break through the joy and honeymoon haze. Love seems to measure up to every rom-com and historical novel you remember. In fact, you are on a hormonal high that drives you closer and heightens your idealized view of each other.
So how do you work through this phase to grow closer together long-term? At this point, it's really a matter of allowing your love-high to fade. The more you try to get the high back, the more you create a needy, dishonest, and/or smothering environment. Conflict, time away, and other relationships are actually important for the sake of balance and personal fulfillment.
Love Stage No. 2: "Uh-oh"
Let's call this stage "relationship cracks." Nothing earth-shattering is happening. Love is still pleasant but certain practicalities shine a light on your mutual humanity. Little differences of opinion and preferences give rise to some disappointment here and some criticism there. Anxiety creeps in. Your certainty about the relationship is a bit shaken. You may grieve the perceived perfection and hormones that kept you close.
So what now? How do you navigate the need to restore your separate identities? Recognize that your attachment issues are being challenged. There is likely a push and pull happening as you work out fears of abandonment or entrapment. Understanding your own relationship history, needs, and desires is important here. Self-awareness and appreciation of your individuality can help you feel less afraid and more understanding.
Love Stage No. 3: "Push-back"
There is a certain amount of "clarity" at this point. At least you can see the negatives in your partner more clearly. Conflict is more common and relational cracks widen significantly. Needs diverge sharply, and resentments can fester. Personal, family, and career obligations add to the stress. You may feel less and less interested or available to each other.
What do you do when this stage of conflict and/or distance characterize your union? Often frustration leads to defensiveness and the sense that you are incompatible at this point. A lack of vulnerability and loneliness may be prevalent here. Thus, establishing emotionally safe, effective communication is paramount for the life of the union. This often requires some support or guidance.
Love Stage No. 4: "Higher Love"
This stage is one of true acceptance. On the other side of power struggles and separateness, you both feel safe, intimate, and comfortably independent all at once. Maturity is your relationship superpower.
This mature stage is the sweet spot many couples long for. Yet, counseling can help you navigate it all. Are you ready to tackle the challenges in your relationship with solid support and unbiased guidance? I’m here to help you and your partner. Please read more about couple’s therapy and reach out for a consultation soon. Why wait?