Is Persistent Conflict Getting In The Way Of You Feeling Seen Or Heard In Your Relationship? 

Are you experiencing an inability to be vulnerable in your most intimate relationship? Is your partnership suffering from a lack of effective communication that has resulted in cycles of negative conflict or other disruptions? Has there been a breach of trust that has created suspicion between you and your partner? 

Perhaps you or your significant other have unresolved trauma that has impacted your ability to feel secure in your partnership. Or maybe you are no longer engaging in affectionate behaviors, such as physical touch or sex. Individual emotions are complicated enough as is; marriage or a relationship between two people intensifies that complexity. 

As the pressure begins to mount on your partnership, individual cycles of anxiety and depression are likely to occur. One of you may be desperately pushing to resolve persistent conflict while the other begins to withdraw in response to feeling unheard or under-appreciated. As a result, both of you may turn to other avenues for comfort, whether those take the form of drug or alcohol dependence or emotional and physical infidelity. And so, transgressions outside the marriage or relationship may have become a means of coping with the feelings of isolation that are occurring within. 

When never-ending problems persist in a marriage or partnership, a merry-go-round of ongoing arguments may generate feelings of being unheard and talking past one another. One or both partners might begin to question if their significant other understands or even loves them anymore, and that lack of connection can create feelings of instability and concern that certain marital issues can never be resolved. And as a result, like many other couples, you may have turned away from one another, become stuck in your communication issues, and the tension has grown exponentially. 

If your marriage or relationship is suffering from a breakdown in communication, you may be beginning to wonder where the proverbial magic went and how it could be possible to revive the passion and mutual support that was once characteristic of your time together. Yet, even if the chasm between you and your significant other seems to be growing wider and wider, there is hope for your partnership to be revived. 

Relationships Change As Priorities Shift

It’s incredibly common for long-term relationships and marriages to experience strain and conflict, especially as individuals grow and adapt to big life transitions. If our partner has lost a job or received a serious diagnosis, we may be expected to compensate or serve as the main support system, while needing to maintain the responsibilities that existed before the transition. Or there are the strains that we might experience together as a couple, like a big move or beginning a family after a long time of being a close-knit unit of two. 

Both partners often have to juggle the demands of a challenging job and raising a family. As a result, one or both partners may be required to make sacrifices for the sake of the relationship or family, and priorities shift from the idyllic, carefree life that we once envisioned with each other. 

If stress is put on our relationship without the proper mechanisms for coping in place, resentment can build, anger can fester, and each partner will begin to turn away from the other. Communication styles that were once healthy and effective begin to break down, and we start to feel as though we don’t even speak the same language as our partners anymore. An unhealthy pursuer/withdrawer dynamic is often created, as one of us pushes the other for an explanation and answers, and the other disengages as a result of feeling as though they or we can’t do anything right. Feelings of mistrust and exhaustion accumulate and both parties begin to burn out, eventually determining that the relationship is hopeless and doomed.   

We have all heard that half of all marriages end in divorce, but what we fail to see in that statistic is that divorce is most often a result of problems in communication, as opposed to a lack of love or the consequence of a breach of trust. If our partner does not provide the emotional security we seek, we can harden over time. 

The truth, however, is that vulnerability is a necessary means for effective communication, and marriage or couples counseling is precisely the safe place to begin the process to allow your partner to know the most sensitive parts of yourself. 

Marriage And Couples Counseling Can Offer New Perspectives On Your Relationship

It’s important to first and foremost understand that all happy, healthy couples have conflict and differences in perspective. However, success in a relationship lies in having the tools needed to navigate disagreements with compassion and understanding. If each partner feels understood in the relationship and the connection is deepened, it won’t matter so much if disagreements arise because you can cultivate the tools needed to mitigate conflict before distressful arguments erupt and harmful words are exchanged. Marriage and couples counseling can help you build that toolbox.   

My approach to couples therapy relies on my advanced training as an emotionally focused couples therapist. This is an evidence-based model developed by Dr. Susan Johnson. Research has found that 70-75% of couples undergoing emotionally focused therapy successfully move from distress to recovery, and approximately 90% show significant improvements in their relationship satisfaction.  After our initial intake session, each of you will meet with me once or twice so that I can get to understand who you are as an individual and how your perspectives on the relationship have been formed. Using information about your upbringing and past, I will maintain the focus on how you developed your attachments so that I can get a clearer picture of your marriage or relationship as a whole. From there, we will begin to meet together in a group session and establish your goals for marriage/couples counseling. 

In those sessions, we will work to understand the communication problems existing in your marriage or relationship. As we reconstruct your prevailing arguments and reframe them as protests to the ineffective communication pattern you have fallen into, we will learn more about how you react to conflict, how you attempt to respond, and how you can de-escalate your discord in the future. I will help each of you to understand the underlying dynamics of your interactions so that you can feel empowered to work through negative emotions and view old and ongoing problems with new solutions. Over time, you will be able to integrate emotionally-focused techniques in your life outside of therapy for the instances when conflict arises in the future. 

Having worked with couples for over twenty years and seen even the most strained relationships find common ground as partners begin to soften and appreciate each other once again, I take great pride in the success of this scientifically validated approach. I am confident that your relationship will begin to thrive as you unlearn unhealthy communication strategies and feel less inclined to criticize and place blame on your partner. 

As long as both parties are invested and motivated to explore and improve their relationship, a revitalized connection is possible. 

Intensive Couple’s Therapy

When couples are in crisis or want to avoid the emotional turmoil and expense of divorce, they may elect for more intensive couples therapy. These sessions typically last 2-3 hours at a time or maybe a full day. The advantage of having a large quantity of time is to create a safe space for the couple to go in-depth with their painful struggles that manifest as chronic and negative communication patterns and behaviors. The goal is to cultivate compassion and hope and to move in the direction required to repair their relationship.

Perhaps there are additional factors that keep you or your partner from seeking marriage or couples counseling...

I want to go to couples therapy, but my partner isn’t on board. 

Seeking marriage/couples counseling does not commit you or your partner to stay in the relationship forever, but I encourage both of you to give your relationship the due process that it deserves. If you and your partner are even a little curious about the prospect of counseling, that signals to me that you have not given up yet. Moreover, if it is a breakdown of communication that is causing distance or conflict in your relationship, marriage and couples counseling is precisely the opportunity for you to gain a better understanding of the problems occurring between the two of you. 

Is there hope for my marriage or relationship if there has been infidelity or an affair?

There is always hope for a marriage or relationship—even if a betrayal has taken place—as long as both parties want to do the work of re-establishing trust. I have seen many clients who have been able to overcome infidelity and other breaches of trust, provided they were both invested in the process of understanding why it took place.  

The fact that you both may be considering counseling for your marriage or relationship indicates a desire to heal. All therapy is a process that takes time and dedication, but it is also the best way to get to know yourself and your relationship better. 

How long will this take?

Every couple will vary when it comes to understanding each other better and establishing sustainable forms of communication. However, the emotionally-focused model I use for couples and marriage counseling typically takes about 17 to 20 sessions. If there has been previous trauma for either individual or the couple, or a betrayal in the relationship, the process will take longer.

The time it will take in and out of sessions to heal is also dependent on how long the struggles and misunderstandings have persisted in the relationship. Healing is a process; forgiveness is a process. But like most things that require time and investment, they will pay off in the long run. 

You Have The Power To Revitalize Your Relationship

If your relationship or marriage is suffering from unhealthy cycles of communication and lack of affection, scientifically based counseling approaches may help to reintegrate passion and understanding into your partnership. For more information about my counseling services, please visit my website to learn more. Or email/call today to schedule your first appointment. 

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