Learn to Love Deeply and Fully: Reframing Past Heartbreaks in Light of the Lessons Learned
When you have a trail of past heartbreaks, it’s tough to look back. Those moments remind you of the hurt and pain that you experienced.
When you do reminisce, you remember all of the mistakes you made in those relationships. But what if you can see those experiences in a different light? What if you reframed those past heartbreaks into lessons that you make for the future?
When you look at past heartbreaks through a different lens, they no longer feel as painful as before.
Instead, they hold the keys to unlocking a rewarding and fulfilling future relationship. Here’s how.
Flipping the Script
First, let’s take a moment to consider what it means to “flip the script” when it comes to past heartbreak. We’ve all had relationships that didn’t work out. But what is it that makes these moments in time so painful for you?
Perhaps you were the one that was dumped instead of the one initiating the breakup? If you’ve had several of these, then you might struggle with feelings of self-worth. You might also question whether something is wrong with you.
Those life moments can become painful memories. However, by taking a different approach, those old heartbreaks can transform into learning opportunities. They hold the answers that will set you up for success with your next relationship.
Loving for All the Wrong Reasons
Sometimes we get into a relationship for all the wrong reasons, such as:
Being physically drawn to someone who lacked substance
Feeling lonely
Because the other person provided financial stability
We felt like we deserved this relationship for one reason or another
The result is that we love someone for all the wrong reasons. Eventually, the relationship burns out or ends with a breakup. So, the lesson learned here is that when you enter into a relationship, do so because it is fulfilling and satisfying. This coupling should be something you want. Relationships ought to be uplifting for both partners, reaffirming the best in each other.
You Can’t Change a Person
In other instances, people enter into relationships thinking that they can somehow change their partner’s behavior. Often, this occurs with people who struggle with substance use. You believe that they will put their drinking or drug use aside for the betterment of the relationship. Or that you somehow have the power to change your partner’s behavior.
However, stepping into a relationship with the belief that you can change another person isn’t healthy. You cannot change them. Nor does your partner have the power to change you. The lesson is that both partners must enter into the relationship as equal, independent people responsible for their own decisions.
Fulfilling a Need
Relationships are supposed to fulfill specific needs for both partners, including:
A sense of belonging
Feeling understood
Being supported and affirmed
These are needs that everyone has. Yet, some will enter into relationships expecting their new partner to meet other needs or vice versa.
For instance, they place other people’s needs ahead of their own. That isn’t healthy, as all you are doing is giving to the relationship. Successful relationships have balance.
Sometimes one partner leans on the other for support. Other times, the opposite occurs. But when you define who you are based on the relationship, then a big empty hole remains when the relationship ends. The lesson here is to beware if you enter a relationship to fill a void in your life. Instead, identify your need and fulfill it before entering into a relationship.
--
It isn’t easy looking back on failed relationships. They are reminders of what didn’t work in the past. Yet, they also hold the answers for what could work in future relationships. If that sounds overwhelming, ask for help.
Please contact me about how counseling can work for you. I'm here to help.